Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.