Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I can’t be the only one 😂
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?