Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
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Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.