English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“Did it hurt?”
“Oh haha, when I fell from heaven? I’m really flattered, but I’m just not looking for anything right now.”
“No uh I saw you trip over there.”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles