Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
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Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.