Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.


Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”


[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?


I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.


How dare you complain about your life? Someone’s mom is Snooki.


hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him


The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.


If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.


them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal