@StarvingHartist

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

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@Cheeseboy22

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

@Jake_Vig

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

@thedad

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

@mydmac

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

@Terdoh

How dare you complain about your life? Someone’s mom is Snooki.

@ch000ch

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

@Shock_Monster

The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.

@GibJimson

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

@retsoor

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal