Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.