Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
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RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The government even made aliens boring
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what