@Parentpains Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
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@tgilliland789 *looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
@david8hughes *puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
@QueefTornado She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.
@pickupIines are you a cat because i’m feline a connection between us
@thenoahkinsey Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
@BossyBritches72 Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
@GabbbarSingh To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
@Heather2Go I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
@UncleDuke1969 “I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop