Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me if I was a dog
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.