@Parentpains

Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

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@tgilliland789

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

@david8hughes

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

@QueefTornado

She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.

@thenoahkinsey

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

@BossyBritches72

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.