Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
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A prickle of porcupines
A murder of crows
A flamboyance of flamingos
A twitter of depressed, alcoholic perverts
A shrewdness of apes
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]
“Say it. SAY IT.”
*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?
I didn’ fink fo
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.