@Parentpains

Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

You Might Also Like

@mofrorock

A prickle of porcupines
A murder of crows
A flamboyance of flamingos
A twitter of depressed, alcoholic perverts
A shrewdness of apes
A parla

@nash_official

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

@jimmy_sharpe

[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*

@david8hughes

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

@DestryBrod

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

@YeahDrewisOn

Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo

@lizetagge

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

@LeBearGirdle

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

@TheBoydP

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.