Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
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Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.