weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount

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Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?


doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom


Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?

It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.


“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins


When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi


I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.


Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.


The first rule of fight club is don’t hit hard I’m very sensitive


My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!


I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation