@hippieswordfish

weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount

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@KevinFarzad

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

@cathisamazing

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

@lazerdoov

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

@PinkCamoTO

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

@DothTheDoth

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

@NamestartswithZ

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

@coffeeandvinyl1

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

@MadamBetteNoire

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.