weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount
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My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn’t here
*wife walks in with police officer*
“did you take a knife to a job interview”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Spotted in New Orleans.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?
Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.