weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount

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My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.


My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.


[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn’t here
*wife walks in with police officer*
“did you take a knife to a job interview”


Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.


Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”


I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.


Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.