Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.