@jpbrammer

weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave

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@TheRealRHB

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

@brichie13

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

@House_Feminist

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

@TheOnion

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

@Ygrene

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

@AHappierDay

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

@DrakeGatsby

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same