me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
cats when you pet them too long:
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.