“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
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5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Don’t frighten the programmers!
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?