@chrisdowning

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

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@SethMacFarlane

Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.

@KeetPotato

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

@ChuckGrassley

My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian

@jonnysun

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

@thenatewolf

J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.

@SteveSuckington

[at adoption agency]

“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

“I just love kids”

@TankCesar

The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.

@SnellWarren

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

@AtticusFinch79

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

@TheFaceOfDave

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”