Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

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Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.


[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]


My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian


“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”


J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.


[at adoption agency]

“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

“I just love kids”


The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.


I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?


Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12


Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”