Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers