Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

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4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.


I’ve got hoes in different area codes.

(I’m very careless with my gardening tools.)


I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.


Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them


Witch Logic:

I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I’ll use that broom.


Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.



Her: Where should I hide the eggs?
Me: Not in your ovaries, I’ve already found two
H: I was referring to our children
M: So was I



So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”


wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino