Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing