Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.