@batkaren

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

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@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

@tropicalenvy

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

@iamspacegirl

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

@craydrienne

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

@jergarl

The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.

@tweetsvisual

I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.

@jakob_huber

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.