@batkaren

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

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@McNarstle

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

@DranoRaul

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

@NatasshaStash

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

@Ristolable

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

@XplodingUnicorn

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

@BunAndLeggings

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

@Darlainky

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

@iinkedZombie

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@XplodingUnicorn

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.