“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Fidel Castro was alive?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
when dads have a rap battle
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
new record!
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator