me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
You Might Also Like
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious