Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time