@portmanteauface

Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days

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@MarfSalvador

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

@MavenofHonor

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

@caseytduncan

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

@PyrBliss

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

@Token_Geezer

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

@DurtMcHurtt

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

@ceejoyner

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.