Me buying fruit and veg
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My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
twitter users today:
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*