cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days
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Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.