@MarfSalvador
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
@portmanteauface
Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days
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@MarfSalvador
@MavenofHonor
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
@Paris__G
#FunnyLife Insects
@caseytduncan
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
@batsVsupes
@PyrBliss
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
@Token_Geezer
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
@DurtMcHurtt
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
@ceejoyner
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.