Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…


Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.


These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.


If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?


When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”


man-ant: picnic’s over boys
ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run!
man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*


You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”


Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss


My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.