Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
You Might Also Like
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche