I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
man-ant: picnic’s over boys
ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run!
man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.