Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
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hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.