Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
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“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.