At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
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*Slides a five across the bar*
Bartender: Did you… Did you break this off our sign out front?
Me: (Confidently) tap water please.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?