@QwertyJones3

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

You Might Also Like

@fuckfrrankk

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

@thenatewolf

*Slides a five across the bar*

Bartender: Did you… Did you break this off our sign out front?

Me: (Confidently) tap water please.

@_ElvishPresley_

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

@Home_Halfway

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

@ewfeez

Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination

@Ivsy01

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

@007Rex_Inc

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

@ramblinma

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

@EndhooS

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?