Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”