Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

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a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it


Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.


[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you


Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it


I can’t be DMing you 6 memes and you only acknowledge the last one I sent. I want 6 separate replies.


Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once


6 year old: daddy look we’ve had a whirlpool in our house this whole time!

Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet


Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.