Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
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Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem