@Mr_Kapowski

“Welcome to Armageddon
Welcome to Legageddon
Welcome to Quadageddon”

Me: *raises hand* Are you the only trainer available at the gym today?

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@ArfMeasures

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

@SgunSuperman

It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.

@librarianfonz

I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.

@10kbabyspiders

Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.

@mommajessiec

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

@mostlysharks

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

@i_zzzzzz

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

@JulieSnark

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

@MarionDowling

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.