“Welcome to Armageddon
Welcome to Legageddon
Welcome to Quadageddon”

Me: *raises hand* Are you the only trainer available at the gym today?

You Might Also Like


ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine


It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.


I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.


Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.


Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*


me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend


I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”


Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?


Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?



Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.