Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
…żyje?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
his wife is probably gonna see that
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’