Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

Okay, I’m still confused…

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?