Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
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Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.