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After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
HERE’S MARKY
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.