“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?