Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
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“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Boom, boom, ching!
Labreador
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling