Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

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3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.


[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”


Spank me once, shame on you.

Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.


“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)


– If you insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!
– Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.
– What baby?
– Oh, so you’re not pregnant?


at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed


If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.




Mute person:

Fight club member:


Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no


I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..


If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year