@trevso_electric

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

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@lilgapeach30

3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.

@david8hughes

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

@me_all_over

Spank me once, shame on you.

Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.

@Donnie_Fairburn

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

@SamuelHLowe

– If you insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!
– Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.
– What baby?
– Oh, so you’re not pregnant?

@IamEnidColeslaw

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

@jtrulez

If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.

@AbbieEvansXO

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

@sploosk

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year