Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch

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[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11


Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.


My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.


…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]


I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.


Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.


Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.


“what are you screaming for?”

first of aII, you aImost made me drop my croissant