“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
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Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
In banana years, I am bread.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Monday
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.