Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.