I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
me: I think I could do that
her: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower
Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?