Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud