Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

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“OK men, spread out.”



“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”


Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.


The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there’s no one around to see it.


Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it’s open?
Me: I’ll go there and ask
Wife: It’s ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It’s SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call


If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with


You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.


Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.


Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*


Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.