Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

Word!

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.