WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
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If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby