WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠