Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
You Might Also Like
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
How to woo a woman
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?