Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.


*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.


I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.

I mean, I’ve got Norton but.


This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!


*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”


Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.


You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna


I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.