Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Basically.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️