Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@MikeBigby

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

@Xoolun

I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.

I mean, I’ve got Norton but.

@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@Steven37366100

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

@iwearaonesie

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

@batkaren

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

@squirrel74wkgn

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

@Thing_Finder

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.