Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
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*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal