Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
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Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
synchronized noseblowing
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
What if the weather talks about us?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.