Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
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[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
is nasa ok
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Catering service
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?