@prufrockluvsong

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

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@ThugRaccoons

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

@DrCephalopod

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

@DebraMuffin

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

@Coolisiana

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

@GroovyTasia

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

@McClaneJohn2

I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.

@3sunzzz

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

@BadJordon

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college