[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
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So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“You had all of thanksgiving to do your homework…”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.
I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.