You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
You Might Also Like
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college