Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
my retirement plan is braless
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives