Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?