Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?