Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

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I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.


Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.


Heard in Toy Story 5 the toys meet Andy’s Mom’s new toy.
Suddenly the song You’ve Got A Friend In Me has a whole new meaning…


Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.


I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.


This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread


[my wife is giving birth]

doctor: grab a leg!

me: [pulling out drumstick] here u go babe


me: oh sorry *gives her dipping sauce*

wife: thanks


Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*