I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
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Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
Heard in Toy Story 5 the toys meet Andy’s Mom’s new toy.
Suddenly the song You’ve Got A Friend In Me has a whole new meaning…
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[my wife is giving birth]
doctor: grab a leg!
me: [pulling out drumstick] here u go babe
wife: ARE YOU AN IDIOT??
me: oh sorry *gives her dipping sauce*
Me: Here you go.
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*