Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

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Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.


My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.


If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.


According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now


[lookin in bushes for our baby]
me: where the hell can he be?
dog: roof roof roof
me: will you shut up
[baby waves at the dog from the roof]


I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.


[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th


Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.


A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller