@sploosk

Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

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@Tmoney68

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

@Darlainky

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

@J_Dazzle76

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

@KeetPotato

[lookin in bushes for our baby]
me: where the hell can he be?
dog: roof roof roof
me: will you shut up
[baby waves at the dog from the roof]

@L8yK8y

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

@asimplesean

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

@LuvPug

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller