Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
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Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Best seat on the street 😍
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.